Redemption in Choosing Adoption
Written by a Hope’s Promise Birth Mom.
It’s funny how a little plus sign can cause so much terror, anger, worry, disappointment, and fear. That little plus sign in that little window would change my life. How in the world did something like this happen to me at age 39? I mean…. I felt closer to menopause than childbearing age… but there I was… PREGNANT.
I had accepted many years ago that I would never be a mom. I was just not meant to experience pregnancy and childbirth and that love and connection with a little human being. I was in so much shock and disbelief. What was I going to do?
The next several months were a maze of crazy emotions, tears, fear, anger, frustration, and so much more. There was a little life living inside of me and abortion was never an option for me. I also knew I wasn’t in a place where I felt prepared or able to provide a life that this little one deserved.
I decided to choose adoption. I knew it was a miracle that I was pregnant, and God had an amazing plan for this little life. I knew this little one was going to make someone’s dreams come true (little did I know that mine were coming true too).
I was referred to an amazing adoption organization called Hope’s Promise. I set up an appointment with my caseworker. I was so scared to show up to that first meeting. I didn’t want to be judged or made to feel like I was worthless. And that was the last thing I ever felt with this organization. My caseworker, MaryBeth, made me feel so at ease as she shared her own adoption story with me.
At this point, I had a very hard heart and was so angry and disappointed in myself. When I first met with MaryBeth I planned on a fully closed adoption. I was going to carry this baby to term and have MaryBeth or a nurse hand this baby over to the adoptive couple that I was still yet to choose. I didn’t want to meet them or talk to them.
Slowly, as I continued to meet with MaryBeth, and through prayers by the staff at Hope’s Promise, and prayers of my mom and a couple of close friends, my heart slowly started to soften. I finally had the opportunity to look through 28 photobooks of families who wanted to adopt. I knew the moment I read the story of Samuel and Mary that they were the ones God had planned to parent this little life inside of me.
As more time went on and after Samuel and Mary were told that I had chosen them, they reached out and asked Mary Beth if they could write to me. At this point, my heart was softening, and I was open to some communication with them. They wrote me an amazing letter and I decided to write back. We exchanged a few letters and I finally decided that I needed to be the one to hand this baby over to them after the birth. I also decided that I wanted to meet them before the baby was born so that the time in the hospital was not awkward. The first time we met, my decision was confirmed. Samuel and Mary were hoping for an open adoption but wanted to respect my wishes for a closed adoption. God continued to work in me and change my heart. It wasn’t long before I changed my mind and decided that I wanted to see how this little one looked as he/she grew up. I wanted to know his/her personality.
On November 14th, at exactly 40 weeks, I was admitted to the hospital to be induced. After 56 hours of labor, I ended up with pre-eclampsia and the baby’s heart rate started to drop drastically. My nurse quickly called in my doctor and told them we needed to do an emergency C-section. Had it not been for this nurse, the baby and I would not have made it. My nurse is my hero! She will always have a special place in my life and heart. The doctor finally listened to her and I was rushed into the OR.
At 8:21 am on November 16, my sweet baby boy, Lukas Alexander, was born. He had a small puncture in his lung, the cord was wrapped around his neck and he wasn’t breathing. They had to do CPR but he did take his first breath and that little cry was the cutest cry I have ever heard. He was 6lbs, 2oz, and 20 inches long. He was perfect!
Later that day after I spent some time with Lukas, Samuel and Mary joined us in my room and met their son for the first time. They have renamed him Cole Samuel, and I love it!
I will always be a part of their lives. The connection we have is so deep and heartfelt. They have opened their hearts to me. We are all extended family. We get to figure this out together and we get to love Cole fiercely.
When I found out I was pregnant I didn’t plan on ever sharing my story but I am now so proud of my decision and that I am part of this amazing story. I feel so lucky that God allowed me to be a part of this. He can redeem any story for GOOD!!! I have been blessed by so many in this journey. I love all the ways God allows me to be used in Cole’s story. I have made amazing, lifelong friends through this journey and continue to make more as God allows me to be used for HIS glory.
