5 Things That Helped Me Get Through The Year I Placed My Baby For Adoption
This guest post is by Alice, a birthmother.
I was Miss Squeaky Clean back in high school. I didn’t even kiss a boy till I was 18. But nine years later I had my first real experience and Wowzers, just like that I got pregnant.
Let me tell you that it is sucky to be in that boat. I know because I was there.
Everyone says that placing your baby for adoption is really honorable. The question is, is it the right thing to do? That’s something you need to decide for yourself because it’s a rough road ahead.
In my case, I knew I had to place my baby. I had found two imperfectly lovely parents and I wanted them for my baby. I am now extremely happy that I ever got to go through this.
Today I am married to my soulmate and have two beautiful babies who I stay home with.
Placing my baby for adoption was hard but I have never wished that I would have single parented. There were five things that got me through that tough, sacred first year.
1. My birth mom friend
Tiffany is as close to being the perfect birth mom and we happen to be bosom buddies. I still talk to her more than a lot of my friends and she got me through that year.
How? She had placed her baby May 2012 and she talked to me, served me and gave me her journal where I read every detail of her pregnancy, placement and healing.
I knew what to expect at placement because of her. I knew I might go through a time I would hate someone.
I felt normal because of her. I am so lucky to have found her because she was my favorite support. We are both moms and we text about things at least every week.
Find a birth mom who you can bounce these ideas off of. So they can say, “oh yeah I have felt like that, you aren’t crazy. You will get through this.”
2. My caseworker
Charity, my caseworker, told me to get a list of ten people I could call when I was going through something hard. She told me to start at the top of the list and move down till someone answered.
She told me to tell them I was on her list, that I was counting on them. To each of my ten people, thank you. You saved me more than once. Make a list of ten people to rely on.
3. Blogging and working out.
This was a way of healing for me. I went to a gym alone and I would blog alone. I lived alone and worked full time making pretty good money but money didn’t buy my happiness. Blogging and working out did.
4. Knowing my limits
This is kinda vague but something I really benefited from was knowing me and my boundaries. I skipped family functions where I knew it would trigger me not having my baby and a husband.
I skipped anything that would make me feel the pain of being alone at night without a family. I seriously was hungry for a baby. Hungry for that touch and compassion.
I never felt alone when I was pregnant because I had my buddy with me. After I placed, however, I was ALONE. I didn’t have a reminder from “Baby Pop Rocks” kicking me in my right rib or tickling my cervix.
I did lots of service. Once a week I went to a woman’s house in my neighborhood and we would watch tv together and eat treats and I would sweep her floor or decorate her Christmas tree.
I babysat a couple times so that my friend and her husband could go out. I delivered aloe plants to people that didn’t have one because I had the best plant ever.
I served but I was fine with saying no when I could tell it would hurt me. Know you because only you are going to look out for you.
5. Knowing that not all birth moms and not all adoptive parents get along.
This is obvious. I get along with baby’s adoptive parents and they are some of our best friends.
“Baby Pop Rocks” is what brought us together and he will forever be my son. But he has his mommy and daddy and I respect every single thing about them being his parents.
For me, that first year I was grieving and they had empathy, sympathy, trust and boundaries. I saw “Baby Pop Rocks” every week or every month.
It was brilliant for us. We made a schedule and every time I left their house I knew the next time I would see “Baby Pop Rocks”.
I loved being with him and seeing him grow and, as we know, babies grow so much in that first year. It was healing for me.
I am still so grateful to them for the time they gave me. We developed love and respect for each other.
That first year after placement was the hardest for me. Every birth mom is different. If you are reading this as a pregnant mom or birth mom my heart goes to you. I will be your friend. If you are reading this as a future adoptive parent, my heart goes to you. May we all love another, be compassionate, forgiving and humble.
I would never want to be pregnant and single again, but placing “Baby Pop Rocks” was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Alice is the pen name of a birth mom to a beautiful boy. Alice is now married to her soulmate and they have two precious babies together. She enjoys traveling, decorating, and pedicures.